The Dating Game: Bible Version!
“Hello and welcome to The Dating Game: Bible Version! I’m your host, Mike Dupp! We’ve got a lovely lady today who will interview three bachelors hidden behind a screen! At the end of the question period, she’ll choose her favorite guy to go with on an all-expenses-paid getaway to Rome! That’s Rome, Iowa, nestled on the banks of the Skunk River, a friendly population of 112, where the motto is ‘We weren’t built in a day— it only looks like it!’
“Will it be love before first sight? Let’s find out! Our bachelorette is 27-year old Katelyn Binkley of Rochester, New York! Katelyn is completely unaware that The Dating Game’s producers have recently invested millions in the development of a time machine— money saved from never sending couples to glamorous destinations— and have used that time machine to bring to the future three famous men from the Bible— Katelyn’s favorite book! These men were captur— uh, selected— from times so long ago that they’re now widowers and therefore bachelors! We think they have a vague idea of what’s going on!
“Please welcome, from the Garden of Eden, Bachelor #1— Adam! Plucked from the inside of a very big boat, Bachelor #2— Noah! And whisked away from a desert wilderness, Bachelor #3— Moses! Now let’s bring out our beautiful bachelorette from the sound-proof waiting area! Hello, Katelyn! Have a seat on this side of the screen and begin your interviewing!”
“Okey-dokey … Bachelor #1, say something to me that would melt the heart of any woman.”
“Wait… there’s more than one woman?”
“Good answer, Bachelor #1! Let’s see … Bachelor #2, finish this sentence: I’d do anything for you except…”
“Stand with you under a seasick giraffe.”
“Umm, okay … and Bachelor #3, what is your idea of a romantic evening?”
“I climb a mountain and, as the sun sets, the presence of the Lord Almighty appears in a cloud. He and I spend hours in each other’s company. In the morning I descend, full of joy, with new instructions God has engraved in stone.”
“What about me?”
“No, stone is better. Eventually your skin would get wrinkly and be hard to read.”
“Um, back to you, Bachelor #1 … What do you look for in a woman?”
“Good decision-making. Someone who isn’t going to destroy our lives over a stupid apple.”
“Apple? You mean her laptop?”
“Her laptop is covered with a fig leaf now. So’s mine. We miss being naked.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but are you saying you’re involved with someone now? Are you playing the field?”
“I’m working the field, lady. Sweating over the land doing back-breaking labor for the rest of my life because of her! Paradise is lost!”
“Sounds like you have unresolved issues with another woman, Bachelor #1. Bachelor #3 … if your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?”
“If by ‘house’ you mean ‘Egypt’, and if by ‘on fire’ you mean ‘intolerable’, then I grab my people, the enslaved nation of Israel, and lead them all out to safety and freedom in the Promised Land!”
“What if by ‘house’ I just meant ‘house’?”
“Oh. Then my fondue set.”
“Bachelor #2 … What do you see yourself doing ten years from now?”
“Probably curling up in the fetal position and crying every time I see rain.”
“You sound like the sensitive type.”
“Well, my nose is sensitive. I have a very strong sense of smell. It’s a bit of a cruel joke played on me by Someone who stuck me for forty days in an enclosed space crammed with foul, disgusting animals.”
“Oh, were you in the cast of Jersey Shore?”
“Katelyn, as host, I’m afraid I have to tell you we’re almost out of time! You have ten seconds to make a decision. Which bachelor do you choose, and why?”
“Wow, Mike, this is really difficult! I mean, they’re all kind of weird. Do I have to go on a date with one?”
“Yes, you do! The entire economy of Rome, Iowa is depending on it!”
“Gosh … um … well, I guess I’ll choose Bachelor #3. He seems to enjoy mountain climbing and so do I. So that’s one thing in common.”
“Bachelor #3, come on out from behind the screen! Katelyn, meet Moses!”
“Shalom, woman.”
“Uh, hello. That’s quite a beard you have.”
“The mountain experiences I do alone. You’ll have to wait in the foothills when I go up.”
“Like heck I will! You’re not the boss of me.”
“Impudent tongue! I can see why no man has yet coveted you!”
“What?! How dare you?! You want a piece of me, mountain man?”
“Let… my… windpipe… go!”
“This is Mike Dupp saying, See you next time on The Dating Game: Bible Version! On the next episode our time-traveled bachelors will be David and Goliath, plus Samson, who should probably sit between them!”