Doomsday Math Made Easy!

Hello, fellow mortals! Has the coronavirus pandemic got you concerned about the End Times? Your garage full of hoarded toilet paper tells me you’re worried about rear end times, but when it comes to rumors of Judgment Day, do you feel prepared? Do you anxiously wonder if the end of the world might be today?! Tomorrow?! Maybe you hesitate to plan that fall wedding or bank heist! Just how much time is there?! Are you wasting your money buying green bananas? Possibly! That is, unless you’re driving home from the supermarket right now and start talking into one like it’s a cell phone, and a cop pulls you over and says “Were you talking on your phone while driving?”, and you say, “No, Officer, I was talking to my banana”, and then the cop doesn’t know what to do, but at least you’ve had some fun with a green banana you may never get to eat if the Apocalypse happens ONE MINUTE FROM NOW!!!

You just don’t know! But can you? Many well-meaning but misguided prophets of the self-proclaimed variety have, over the centuries, attempted to pinpoint the exact day when God will end time and render an eternal judgment upon every being with a soul, and also upon lawyers. Almost a decade ago, a radio evangelist named Harold Camping predicted that doomsday would occur on May 21, 2011. Nothing of the sort happened. Then he adjusted the date to five months later. Apocalyptic numerology— or wrathematics, as I call it— is a tricky business. It’s a field littered with the erroneous calculations of umpteen would-be exposers of God’s Big Secret. And if there’s anything God despises, it’s people who litter!

But now you’ve come to the right place! I will let you in on the actual day of reckoning! “But wait,” you protest, “Jesus said that no one, not the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father knows the date!” That is true. You know your Scriptures. I’ll bet you’re the center of attention at parties. But Jesus made the statement at a time before the Internet was invented. Do you know what you can find out on the Internet? Everything! Did you know that God has highly-classified information He never intended to have appear online, but that has somehow been posted by the Enemy? It’s all on an obscure website called YahwehkiLeaks!

Among hundreds of documents plundered by Satan from God’s hard drive, two caught my eye. One is called “Calendar of Events”, which provides dates the Lord has chosen for the invention of such highly anticipated developments as teleportation, time travel, and the McRib shake. But sadly, no mention of the Last Day.

The other doc is titled “Udgmentjay Ayday”, which I think is some kind of impenetrable code. Under the title is simply this:

D 12:11

It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to know that this is clearly a reference to the Old Testament’s Book of Daniel, which is full of apocalyptic visions and prophecies! So turn with me to Daniel, chapter 12, verse 11. Got it? Good! Let’s read together:

From the time that the daily sacrifice is abolished and the abomination that causes desolation is set up, there will be 1,290 days.

Wow! It couldn’t be more obvious, could it?!!

“From the time the daily sacrifice is abolished”… What else could this be but the date of Major League Baseball’s planned Opening Day?? On March 26, 2020, pro baseball was to begin its season of daily pitches, hits and— wait for it— sacrifice flies and sacrifice bunts, but now all those sacrifices have been abolished until further notice due to coronavirus! This cancelation is linked with “the abomination that causes desolation”…  Well, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that on that exact same day, March 26, America promotes National Spinach Day! Not making that up! Google it! And what could be more of an abomination than spinach??! Nobody likes spinach!! It causes nothing but desolation, which the dictionary describes as “anguished misery”!

Still with me?? So on March 26, 2020, baseball’s daily sacrifices will be abolished, and that same day the green-leafed, desolation-causing abomination known as spinach will be set up to be celebrated! Add 1,290 days to that date and you get the end of the world: October 7, 2023!!!!

See how easy that was?!

Make sure to warn your loved ones! Go on… pick up a banana and call!