Pulled Over
The Sea of Galilee. 31 A.D.
“Hey, you! Yeah, you! Guy walking across the water! This is the Roman Empire Marine Police! Please approach our boat!”
“Good afternoon, officers. What can I do for the two of you?”
“What you can do is give us an explanation! How are you walking on water??”
“Same as on land: one foot in front of the other.”
“Did you hear that, Officer Antonius? We’ve got a comedian here.”
“With all due respect, gentlemen, you could do this too with a little faith.”
“Hey, I’m the one asking the questions here!”
“I don’t think I asked a—”
“Where are you from?”
“Nazareth.”
“Nazareth! Can anything good come out of that place?”
“I hear that a lot. But it’s not so bad. Actually, Nazareth’s pretty famous for its donkey-cart races. In fact, I live right next to the NAZCART Speedway. That’s why I come over here to the lake. It’s quiet and I can think. No one else out here this time of evening.”
“You like to think out here. Well, isn’t that nice. And what do you think about?”
“I think about ways to teach others that the greatest purpose in life is to love God and love people, no matter who they are. All humanity is made in the image of God. If people start to see themselves and each other that way, there’d be a lot more love going around. Wouldn’t you agree, officers?”
“Ah-ha, you just asked a question! For the last time, sea-stroller, that’s my department! You’re completely wrong about us all being equally made in the image of God, so for your sake you’d better get this question right: Which race is superior to all others?”
“That’s easy. A donkey-cart race. You really need to come see for yoursel—”
“ROMANS!! We Romans are the greatest race that has EVER BEEN or EVER WILL BE!! Isn’t that right, Officer Antonius?”
“That’s right, Officer Marcus! And the reasons are legion! … Oh! Haha! See what I did there?”
“You hit it right on the nose, partner!”
“Speaking of which, officers … a question, if I may? How’s your nose, Officer Marcus, after you got punched by a drunk at the Jonah & the Ale tavern last week?”
“I think I broke it. Wait … how do you know about that?”
“I was outside when it happened. Chatting with some folks. How does it feel now?”
“It’s still sore. It … whoa … it feels fine suddenly! That’s weird …”
“Uh, partner, we’ve got a guy here standing on the waves, and you think that’s weird?”
“Pardon me, officers, but in my opinion what’s weird is that you think you’re superior because of your race. Under the skin, we’re all the same. I’ve met Romans who understand that. But some of you …”
“What’s getting under my skin is YOU, punk! God knows where you get the guts to talk to me like that, but so help me I’m this close to arresting you for … for … Officer Antonius, what can I arrest him for??”
“I’m looking through the law scrolls right now, Officer Marcus … maybe some environmental crime. If he’s regularly walking on the sea he may have disturbed some dolphin breeding grounds or something … Hey you! While walking around on the water, have you ever, even accidentally, kicked a baby seal in the head?”
“No.”
“How about an endangered turtle? Ever stepped on one while it was swimming along?”
“No. But one time my shadow blocked the light from a turtle that was sunning itself. I caused a turtle eclipse.”
“Turtle ecli-- Officer Antonius, this guy’s just playing with us! You are really getting on my nerves now, mister! Get in the boat! You’re coming ashore with us for further questioning!”
“Thanks for the invitation, but you two will have your hands full steering the boat through this awful storm. I’d just be in the way.”
“What storm?”
“Uh, Officer Marcus … you feel that wind?”
“Yeah … and look at those black clouds! Where’d they come from all of a sudden?”
“Whoa! Those waves are getting high!”
“Officers, it’s been a pleasure. Don’t forget: God loves you! Happy to talk about that more another time! Take care!”
“Get back here, you lowly Hebrew dog! We’re not done with y— holy mackerel! Did you see that lightning?!”
“We’re gonna drown, Officer Marcus!”
“Hey, you! Come back! Help us!!!”
“Who, me? Hm. If you jump in the water I could teach you a little something called ‘the lowly Hebrew dog paddle’.”
“Forget him, Officer Antonius! Sail this boat to shore! Now!”
“Just me?! What are you gonna do?”
“I’m gonna get on my knees and pray we survive! If there’s a God out there, now would be a great time for him to notice us!”